“NOT IN MY
BACKYARD”
KELLY OFFERS
SOME ALTERNATIVES TO DAREDEVIL
Nik Wellenda
on a tight rope walking across the Grand Canyon (top)
NYPD
Commissioner Ray Kelly telling Wallenda to “take a f@#king hike”
TAGS: NIK WELLENDA,
NYPD COMMISSIONER RAY KELLY, WALLENDA GRAND CANYON WALK,
KELLY SAYS ‘TAKE A
F*CKIN’ WALK’, SATIRE, HUMOR, PARODY, COMEDY
(Tuesday June 25, 2013, One
Police Plaza, NYC) Just days after Nik
Wallenda, a seventh generation member of the famous aerialists The Flying Wallendas
crossed a 1400 chasm over the eastern aspect of the Grand Canyon on a two inch steel
cable with a worldwide television audience estimated at 50 million, the New
York Police Department Commissioner, Ray Kelly, responded to comments Wallenda
made immediately after his harrowing 23 minute skywalk. The record breaking high wire walker who has
conquered Niagara Falls among other famous sights with dizzying heights
commented that he’d like to “do a walk in New York City…maybe from the Empire
State building to the Chrysler Building”, a distance of almost 10,000
feet.
Ray Kelly, arguably the most
effective and, by most polls, a very popular Police Commissioner, was not about
to wait for a formal request from the Wallenda Team. Speaking with reporters yesterday and earlier
today he was adamantly opposed to the idea of such a stunt taking place over
Midtown Manhattan. Kelly commented on
what would be “nightmarish” logistics that would require a significant swathe
of Midtown to be “shut down” to protect pedestrians if Wallenda should happen
to fall. “We just can’t have it,”
continued Kelly adding, “Since he is a daredevil and thrill seeker and I
respect his abilities, I have a few suggestions he might be willing to consider
instead of a high wire walk here.”
When pressed to elaborate
Kelly said, “I can think of any number of neighborhoods, certain blocks, he
might find very challenging walking alone in the middle of the night. We have some apartment complexes where our
Officers perform what are known as “Vertical Patrol” walking down the stairs
from the roofs to the lobbies and interdicting whatever crimes they
encounter. It is often hazardous duty in
some of the housing projects. If he’s
looking for a thrill well, he might get a bit more than he bargained for”.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg has
his Commissioner’s back on this issue. He told a group of reporters that, “I’m
concerned that some of our children might be inspired to do something like that
and end up badly injured. Since most of
our children are Big Gulp chugging, junk food scarfing, chain smoking, out of
shape imbeciles, I don’t think they need that kind of distraction. I intend to introduce a Bill to the City
Council that would restrict such activity in all five Boroughs”. Bloomberg added, “If he really wants to pull
off an amazing high wire act, perhaps he can help us balance our budget. Now that would be a real feat.”
Not all New Yorkers shared the
sentiments expressed by Kelly and Bloomberg.
Vinny Matenucci, a stone mason from Brooklyn said, “I’d like to see him walk
from the Verrazano Bridge to the Statute of Liberty. Now that would be a real f&*ckin' show". Manny Rivera, an unemployed gynecologist from
The Bronx commented, “If he’s such a bad ass, let him take the 6 Train Uptown
around 3 O’clock in the morning all by hisself”.
As far as Team Wallenda is
concerned they believe that eventually they will secure permission to make a
high wire walk across one of the many imposing edifices in Manhattan. Nik Wallenda, speaking to the press from a rented
camper in Arizona said, “Praise Jesus…Praise God…Oh, God Almighty steady the
thinking of Ray Kelly and the good Jew Bloomberg. Yes, Mr. Mayor Jesus loves you too and He can set your judgment right just as, Praise Jesus, Praise God, He set my wire right on my walk in the glory of His name.
Let me walk with you Jesus, wherever you deem I am worthy to walk”.
At this point it appears that
Willenda will not be allowed to perform a stunt in New York City. NYPD Commissioner Kelly made an aside to the
press as he was making a wobbly exit from the Blarney Stone on West 43rd Street
saying, “I will not condone any Phillip Petit type of crap. If he wants to climb a building, walk across
a bridge or stick his thumb up his ass on a unicycle, my Officers will Stop and
Frisk him and send him back to Sarasota Springs in a little worse shape than he was in when he got here. We have enough to deal with everyday without having a circus act take place overhead in Midtown. Is that clear”?
Copyright The Brooding Cynyx 2013 © All Rights Reserved
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