UNDERGOES COSMETIC SURGERY
Rahm Emmanuel shows off new, longer neck;
hires Padaung tribes woman as his personal assistant.
(April 1, Washington, DC) This town is certainly no stranger to plastic surgery. The members of Congress who have undergone plastic surgery in recent years is a long list indeed. While Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has settled for several disastrous face lifts, Botox injections, eye and ass lifts, the White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel, has opted for a decidedly novel cosmetic procedure.
Emmanuel recently returned from Mayanmar where he underwent several rigorous weeks of neck lengthening under the supervision of Sarriphilatnropani, a board certified tribal neck lengthener. The Chief of Staff unveiled his newly elongated neck to the press during a news conference in the East Wing. “I am very pleased with my new neck. Now, I will be better able to look over the President’s shoulder, see around corners, and generally perform better oversight functions. Besides all that, I think it looks sexy as hell”, commented a proud Emmanuel.
As Chief of Staff Emmanuel is one of President Obama’s closest advisors. He was chosen for the high profile position not only because of his longtime loyal friendship with Obama but also for his willingness to use every underhanded, dirty political tactic under the sun. Also, his homosexuality helped Obama diversify his innermost circle of confidantes. Emmanuel’s reputation as a vicious, petty, foul mouthed, infighter and catfighter, was well earned during his career in the Clinton Administration and in Congress. When first appointed as Chief of Staff, Emmanuel told reporters that, “I am going to defend and protect the President from criticism at all times. I will also help craft the President’s message and help communicate it. If I have to stick my neck out for him, I will.” Obviously, now, he has a good deal more neck to stick out for the President than before.
The reactions to Emmanuel’s extended neck have been mixed. One of Emmanuel’s former lovers, a Jewish transvestite, Shlomo Schlong from Chicago said, “Well, I really like his new neck. I liked his old one but this is just beautiful. I wish he hadn’t dropped me for that sissy Eric Cantor because I think Rahm would like to have my tongue licking his neck at night.” The flaming homosexual Congressman from Massachusetts, Bawny Fwank, appeared smitten as he gazed longingly at Rahm’s long neck. “Wahm weally has a fine neck. It makes me sawlivate.”
Some of the other top Administration staffers were not as supportive of Rahm’s decision to elongate his neck as are his gay and transgender colleagues. Senior Advisor, David Axelrod, who has known Emmanuel for many years commented, “I respect his decision to have the cosmetic work done because lord knows he had to do something. I just think it is not the kind of attention this Administration needs at the moment. Why couldn’t he have had a nose job instead”?
When President Obama, who is currently in England to attend the G-20 Summit tomorrow was informed about his Chief of Staff’s new neck, he commented, “Rahm has my full faith and confidence. I know he’s been under a great deal of pressure lately and hasn’t been able to frequent the gay S&M parlors he enjoys so much but, ah...this sounds like he may have gone too far. I don’t want to comment any further until I actually see him but, from what you’ve told me, perhaps I don’t want to see him any time soon.”
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