AIR FORCE CONFIRMS UFO SIGHTINGS

FLYING PIGS CIRCLED WHITE HOUSE


Airborne swine signal Bush admits having regrets.

(Dec. 2, Andrews AFB, MD) Federal, state and local authorities in the Washington DC metropolitan area were overwhelmed last night by phone reports of multiple UFO’s seen above or near the White House. As military, intelligence and law enforcement agencies hurried to react to the reports, a fighter squadron from Langley Air Force Base scrambled in response. The Secret Service attempted to wake President George W. Bush but were unable to rouse him. All other White House personnel present at that time were evacuated.

Fearing a terrorist attack, all branches of the military and federal government activated their Emergency Action Plans (EAP) developed in the wake of September 11, 2001. The airspace over the entire eastern seaboard was cleared and restricted to all commercial and private traffic until the crisis was declared officially over by the FBI, DOD and Secret Service at 2:18 AM EST.

The Air Force spokesman, Lt. Col. Proctor A. Gamble gave a brief statement at a hastily called press conference at the Pentagon. Gamble read from prepared remarks, “ At 2:01 AM Eastern Standard Time pilots from the 316th Fighter Wing based in Langley, Virginia reported that the unidentified flying objects reported to be observed in the airspace above and around the White House were not hostile aircraft. They were positively identified as a squadron of non-hostile flying pigs. The pigs were all escorted to the ground by the several aircraft from the 316th and all pigs landed safely. They were immediately arrested and placed under guard at an undisclosed location. In accordance with all provisions of the Geneva Conventions, the flying pigs were feed, watered and were last reported to be happily wallowing in slop. The President was at no time throughout the night in any danger. I repeat, the President was never in danger at any time.”

Within hours of their capture the pigs were subject to rigorous questioning from a team of swine experts from Iowa State University Department of Swine, Pig and Hog Studies. The interrogations were lead by Dr. Cletus T. Flattus, Director of Pork Psychiatry at ISU. Dr. Flattus informed reporters that, “The pigs meant no harm. Actually, they were not even sure where they came from or how they were able to fly. One of them, Buster, told me that he thought he and his fellow pigs were able to fly as a result of George W. Bush having admitted to having “regrets”. Buster, between grunts and gulps of a manure and corn mixture, speculated that ‘hell is probably freezing over too’.”

Other experts on pig aviation and the laws of improbability seemed to agree with Buster the hog. Dr. Clark Happ also from ISU noted, “It has long been folklore and rumor that pigs could and would fly if and when the impossible or highly unlikely were to occur. We always knew this to be true but have had little to no physical evidence up to this point. Apparently having President George W. Bush actually publically admitting he has regrets about the war in Iraq and other matters were sufficiently improbable and sent these pigs into flight.”

Throughout the night sightings of flying pigs were reported throughout North America. Most of these sightings were easily dismissed by the authorities receiving the reports. Captain Horvath “Hank” Pustule from NORAD in Omaha, Nebraska said, “I thought most of the calls received here at NORAD were pranks or just your average, run of the mill drunken idiots bothering us. However, one of the airmen stationed here on the base visually confirmed the presence of several flying pigs approaching in a low altitude formation. They flew over the base causing no harm other than dumping several tons of pig shit all over our tarmacs. We are waiting for FEMA and the EPA to help come and clean it up.”

White House spokesperson Dana Perino told the press that “The President was briefed this morning about the flying pig incident during his daily intelligence briefing. He laughed and asked why no one woke him up so he could have seen them for himself. He expressed a deep fondness for pigs and hog and was especially grateful to them all for bacon. The President says he feels pork is what makes our country great and was also proud of the military pilots that escorted the squadron of pigs to safety.”

At this time we are awaiting additional information from the agencies investigating this flight of the pigs.

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OBAMA NAMES BURRESS & TYSON TO TOP POSTS

Mike Tyson and Plaxico Burress to serve as “advisors”.


(Dec. 1, Chicago, IL) After announcing his foreign policy team earlier today, President-elect Barak Obama introduced two additional members of his future administration. Former heavyweight champ and convicted rapist, Mike Tyson (D) Brooklyn, and Giants wide receiver and gun enthusiast, Plaxico Burress (I) New Jersey, will serve as senior advisors to Mr. Obama. Appearing before the media, Obama cited “the diverse experiences and unique talents” of both appointees. “Mr. Tyson and Mr. Burress will each have a broad portfolio in my administration. I barely know them yet I am confident in their abilities to serve in my White House. I had carefully considered both of them as potential Cabinet members but was uncertain if they would pass Senate confirmation”, Obama told the press.

The reactions to the appointments of Burress and Tyson grew mixed reactions from some of the other people chosen to work for the Obama administration as well as other high ranking Congressional democrats. Attorney General-select, Eric Holder commented, “Both these men bring a lot to the table. As far as the Department of Justice is concerned we’d rather have them close by, working for us rather than working for others. They each have a deep understanding of the criminal justice system and will provide the President and the DOJ with invaluable perspectives.”

Vice President –elect, Joe Biden was very enthusiastic about having Burress and Tyson as advisors in the White House. Biden commented, “Heck yes, these are fine choices, good men who have gone through hard times. They demonstrate all that is good and positive in America. Besides that, I would like to see Mr. Tyson slap the shit out of Rahm Emmanuel now and then. That would keep that arrogant bastard in line.”

Not everyone interviewed expressed the same level of confidence in these appointments. Among those having “reservations” about Burress and Tyson is David Axlerod who headed the Obama campaign and has been named Senior Presidential Advisor. Axlerod said, “I enjoyed watching these guys perform as athletes. I know they are both highly intelligent. I am concerned about their lack of governmental experience. They certainly will, however, strictly limit access to the Oval Office. That can be a good thing given the demands of the President’s schedule.”

J. Chester “Chet” Hollkenburp, the Secret Service agent-in-charge of White House security seemed somewhat taken aback when told of these appointments. “I really don’t know what to say…I mean…holy shit! But, if the President-elect has decided to employ these fellows, who am I to question his judgment?”

Mike Tyson did make a brief, barely intelligible statement to the press saying, “I am F*%ki* honored to be here. I am honored to be anywhere besides prison or rehab. I will do my best for Mr. Barak and, if anyone tries to mess with him, well, they $#@*&! Be messin’ with me too.” Mr. Burress refused to comment but did threaten to beat the “living crap” out of a CNN reporter.

Mr. Obama did also elude that Burress and Tyson may serve as Ambassadors-at-Large in certain circumstances. He continued, “I can see a time given all the complexities of foreign affairs where I could send Mike and Plaxico abroad to...to...ah...intervene in some difficult situations. They have both demonstrated in the past their…ah...ability to be…er..ah..diplomatic in settling disputes. They could help reshape American foreign policy or at least reshape the faces of some of our adversaries. “


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APATHY, LETHARGY, DISAPPOINTMENT:

THEN, BLACK FRIDAY
Death Never Takes A Holiday


(Nov.28, Chicago, IL) It had all gotten to be too much. The post election let down was virtually immediate. The President-elect wasted no time in disappointing. Nope. His first decisions were disturbing and they have only gone downhill from there. So much for change, eh, Barak. What happened to breaking from the past, changing Washington and ushering in a new era of government?

Actually the old partisan, selfish Washington that we have all come to know and apparently tolerate was back up and running before the after glow of Obama’s victory faded. Perhaps it was foolish to think there would or could be a reprieve, however brief, from all that is sickening about our politics, government and those we elect to office. In hindsight it was not only foolish, it was down right idiotic. Rhetoric is just that, expediency rules the day in our Capitol and always will.

Whatever excuses the Obama transition team puts forth regarding the composition of their nascent Cabinet and Administration, they all represent politics as usual, personalities over principals and a galling disregard for the millions who voted for change. For President-elect Obama to succumb so early and easily to the familiar brand of political gamesmanship was as clear a signal as any that he is ready, willing and able to squander his unique chance to enact profound change. All the tripe about the challenges domestically and internationally requiring profound departures from the abject failures of the past eight years had been blown away by the cold winds from Lake Michigan that rattle through Chicago in November.

The on-going economic ailments, our two fronted war, the sinking of the American automobile industry, bailouts, by outs, hand outs and hand jobs became lost in the shadows of the long campaign season. With victory in hand it was time to slap the collective electorate in the face. Trash for garbage, worse for bad, one crook for another; the transition would be nothing more than new faces all too entrenched in the insidious ways of Washington.

Rahm Emanuel, just a partisan henchman. The traitorous Joe Lieberman embraced back into the comfortable fold of those he sold out. The arrogance and defiant, smugness that he personifies set the stage for what was to come. At least the Israeli Knesset and the oppressive Likud Party still have their Jew in our Senate chairing a powerful committee. From his slimy perch atop the Homeland Security Committee Zionist Joe can continue to feed classified state secret and serve his true masters. Barak, you might as well keep Robert Gates in the Pentagon; that surely is a repudiation of Bush’s failed policies.

Some of the most contentious debate on the democratic campaign trail once it became a two person race was over the stark differences between Senator Clinton and Senator Obama. Hey, Barak, why don’t you make Hillary the Secretary of State? Having her and Bill globe trotting for your Administration is bound to be beneficial to all, right? Certainly you can find high ranking positions for hacks like Bill Richardson and John Kerry. Why not just dust off every operative, hack and flack from Bill Clinton’s era and give them all good jobs. That screams of change we can believe in, doesn’t it?

While you were busy pacifying, making amends and hiring your rivals, terrorists intruded on the world stage. Our economy continues to teeter on the brink of a depression, unemployment is at a 16 year high, the agenda you will inherit come January 20, 2009 is so laden with complex, interconnected crisis’, it is only right that you turn to a half witted collection of has-beens and never-were’s, of those with histories of failing in previous appointments.


In a Walmart on Long Island early this morning, a seasonal employee was trampled by a frenzied mob of shoppers, many of whom had literally camped out over night to be certain they could feed their greed ahead of the masses. This poor part-timer’s death was but a footnote on the day’s news. This, the day after Thanksgiving, has become known as “Black Friday” in the retail community. It marks the official “start” of the Christmas holiday season consumerism. We live in a country were a human can actually be run over by fellow humans who are going shopping. That is a sad and sorry statement of who we are and what we have become.

This isolated tragedy may seem irrelevant to the topic at hand. It may be but it serves as a metaphor for what is happening now as we all wait for the day George W. Bush goes back to his dusty ranch in Texas to chop wood or whatever such a moron does. The American people “camped out” anxiously waiting Election Day. They stormed the polls and voted in record numbers not only FOR Mr. Obama but also AGAINST Mr. Bush. They sensed change was possible, perhaps within reach. It seems as if their hopes have been trampled, their desires steamrolled by the wicked ways of our government that has forgotten their Constitutional duties, responsibilities and mandate.

It is a shame, Mr. Obama, that all along you knew that, if victorious, your real motto would be revealed. It was not “hope we can believe in”, but rather, “hope we were led to believe in”.

Maybe a trip to Walmart is in order. At least one knows what they are being there.



Submitted November 28th, 2008

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