CHENEY BACK IN BUNKER AFTER MEDICAL PROCEDURE

Dick Cheney waving to hecklers outside GWU Medical Center.

TOP SECRET CARDIAC DEVICE IMPLANTED
IN VP’S CHEST

(Oct. 17, Washington, DC) George Washington University Medical Center Cardiothoracic surgeon, Dr. Art T. Rhehull, held a press conference this morning, two days after performing a cutting edge, partially invasive surgical procedure on Dick Cheney’s heart. The Vice President underwent this operation and was released from the hospital before his condition was revealed to the press. Dick has a long history of significant cardiac disease including several massive, but not massive enough, heart attacks, and abnormal rhythms. Cheney has had several by-pass procedures and several stents inserted into his cardiac arteries.

Dr. Rhehull opened the press briefing with a prepared statement that had been vetted and approved by the CIA, NSA, DOD, KKK, FBI, UPS and SOB. “Vice President Cheney experienced an irregular heart beat while plotting with advisors his plans to bomb Syria, Iran, Turkey and New Jersey. He was transported here by the Secret Service. We confirmed that Mr. Cheney was having an episode of atrial fibrillation: his heart was beating erratically, almost as erratically as John McCain’s thought process. He was swiftly prepped for surgery. Once on the operating table his heart was stopped for a brief period of time. During this state of induced death, we were able to insert a revolutionary cardio-stabilizing device. Developed by DARPRA and assembled at a secret location by Halliburton nano-engineers, the device, known as the Cardiac Reactor Arterial Pacemaker Powerpack (CRAPP) this device will automatically send a regulated jolt of electrical current any time its sensors detect any future episodes of abnormal sinus rhythms. Essentially, this means, Dick Cheney will never have to undergo an invasive heart surgical procedure again.”

Above, the CRAPP in Cheney's heart enlarged 1,000,001 times.
(Photo Courtesy of CIA.) * May not be actually representation of CRAPP device. CIA just wanted to mention that.

One of the other surgeons involved with the actual insertion of CRAPP into Dick’s heart, Dr. Yves Dropphing, explained the revolutionary technology of CRAPP. “This CRAPP is a miniature, fully self contained, satellite monitored, nuclear powered, self-destructing, pacemaker that operates in a continuously stealth mode and can receive radio signals beyond a depth that is classified. The entire device is constructed with nano-tubes made of Synthetic Carbide Ultraplex Matrix (SCUM). SCUM was developed by Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR), a subsidiary of Halliburton while Mr. Cheney was Halliburton’s CEO. Mr. Cheney was heavily involved in the development of SCUM from the R&D stage right through clinical use. Just as he has been responsible for the taking of so many hundreds of thousands of innocent lives abroad, his SCUM has the potential to save the lives of many wealthy CEO’s, lobbyists, corporate raiders, bankers, fund raisers and pheasant hunters.”

Speaking to the press via secure satellite closed circuit, closed captioned, Bluetooth enabled, Hi-Def, Wi-Fi uplink, the Chief Nano-Engineer at Area 51 in Nevada, Lt. Col. Newhouse “Skipper” Bibby, MD, PhD, PE, NORAD, USAF (ret.), provided a very superficial explanation of these space aged, new fangled, highly classified, for his eyes only, stop, drop and roll, materials and devices. “CRAPP was made possible by SCUM. It is fair to say that without SCUM, the CRAPP in Mr. Cheney’s chest would not be there today. The entire device can easily fit on the head of a pin. CRAPP contains 7 miles of nano-tube piping, over 12 acres of carbide carbon fiber, a classified number of Intel microchips and is powered for perpetuity by a nuclear reactor. It is available in gunmetal grey or desert-scape camouflage. It is beyond amazing that, due to our advanced developments in nano-technology, we are able to use so much SCUM to make a single CRAPP. The intricate complexity of construct and function of this device, makes the human cell, comparatively speaking, seem like a Frisbee. In my opinion, SCUM will allow nano-medical devices of unimaginable benefit to mankind. We are currently researching methods to use our SCUM in bio-weaponry, hideously painful torture as well as other beneficial applications that will help spread democracy to evil-doers everywhere.” Dr. Bibby’s uplink was suddenly cut off.

President Bush spoke with reporters in the Oval Office and commented, “Vice President Cheney is doing …ah…well. I missed him lots while he was at the hospital. It’s always good to have my Dick back. We are all grateful to the brilliantly bright, doctors, nurses and other smart folks that allowed Dick to be back with us. His artificial heart machine will be able to do things his…ah… own real heart could never do. Having Dick back with all that SCUM and CRAPP in his upper chest area, is a real gift to all Americans and will put fear in the hearts and minds of those who hate our way of life around the world or where ever they may be hiding. The last thing extreme, fascist, Muslim fundamentalist, terror causing, name calling, stone throwing, back biting, Mecca facing, bad and dangerous leaders and followers of leaders want to see, is a Dick in the White House with all new and indestructible SCUM and CRAPP in his heart. May God bless Dick and me, and all fun loving, freedom wanting, folks here abroad and over seas.”

President Bush took no questions from the press and was reportedly going to join Mr. Cheney in his undisclosed location to have a CIA briefing, a meeting of the NSC and to work on a jigsaw puzzle he has had trouble completing.

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PLUMBERS HAILED AS AMERICAN HEROS

TRADESMAN & LABORERS ACHIEVE ROLE MODEL STATUS


(Oct. 17, Hunts Point, The Bronx, NYC) Just as the nation became acutely aware of the contributions made to society by cops and fireman after witnessing their bravery on September 11, 2001, this rancorous presidential battle has shed light on other segments of our work force that have been long denied proper recognition and respect. The men and women of the NYPD, FDNY and PAPD performed no differently on 9 11 01 then they did everyday before and every day since. It was the prominence of their efforts that illustrated precisely the character and skills required to do what they have always done, largely unnoticed. Generations of cops and fireman have toiled anonymously protecting and saving lives. It came as a shock to most of them that it took a calamity such as the fall of the World Trade Center Towers for the public to appreciate their role in our society.

Similarly, other vital services provided by working class, blue collar workers are now being appreciated as the mortar that holds our country and civil society together. Thanks to the introduction of “Joe the Plumber” by Senator McCain during his debate with Barak Obama earlier this week, the Joes and Joannes among us, performing the unglamorous, dirty, often hazardous jobs are now getting their due.

Those Americans fortunate to make over $250,000 annually have probably never taken time to consider all the components of our workforce that serve as the cogs and wheels, the nuts and bolts of our economy. These men and women, most of whom are lucky to gross $70,000 per household make it possible for the rest of society to live as they do.

Every item in our homes, offices, grocery, appliance and stores of every type spent time on a truck. America’s needs move by truck; if you’ve got it, it was trucked. How many American’s realize this and appreciate the truck drivers? Why has it taken so long to celebrate the tireless efforts of mechanics, janitors, loading dock guys, bartenders, bookies, bouncers and diner waitresses? How about taxi drivers, mills hands, framers, dry wallers, roofers, cesspool divers, garbage collectors, meat packers, fishermen and port-a-potty cleaner outters? Who ever thanks the delivery people, asphalt layers, tree trimmers, utility workers, grocery checkers, muffler installers, bank tellers, sewer cleaners, boilermakers, manure handlers, chimney sweepers, cowpokes, cow milkers, and cupcake icers? On a daily basis, the pizza makers, Chinese take-out delivery guys, the dry cleaners ladies, the barbers, the shelf stockers, clerks and assistants, pickers and packers, laborers of all kinds make it possible for the rest of us to be housed, clothed, fed, entertained and pampered.

It is about time that the average Joe and Joanne we have, for far too long, looked down upon or ignored, felt superior to or sorry for, under tipped or berated, was disgusted by or avoided, come out of the shadows, and are celebrated as the true heroes they are.

Here, at the Hunts Point Market, thousands of men and women work around the clock to provide the uninterrupted supply of meat and produce to the residents of New York City. Some load and unload trucks manually. Some trim fat from sides of beef. Some separate chicken legs from thighs. Some wash lettuce, others put rubber bands around celery. The point is that without these folks the Waldorf Astoria could not make a meal.

The gap between the “haves” and “have nots” has been widening for years. The past 10 to 15 years as seen that widening increase rapidly. There is a vast, ocean sized gulf that keeps the lower class out of view of the upper class. Treading water in that expansive ocean are all the Als and Hals, Hanks and Franks, Dottys, and Dollys, Neds, Freds and Eds, Marys, Nancys, and Lucys of the middle class.

It is easy and simplistic, and oh so convenient, to frame every domestic issue as contrasts of ideology. Our two party system has mutated into one dysfunctional swamp surrounding two distinct islands; two polarized camps each armed with their own distinct arsenal of code words, prejudices, biases, perceptions and stereotypes ready, in the blink of an eye, to blame the other for our collective ills and failures. So cemented have these stances become, that no reasonable discourse seems possible. Agreement will remain elusive because of resentment and anger even though agreement, in correcting some of our most intractable problems would be beneficial to all.

Democrats are not raving, liberal lunatics burning torches at the gates demanding a redistribution of wealth. Republicans are not conservative, right wing zealots determined to enrich the rich. However, if each continues to perceive the other as such, we will remain a house divided, a nation drifting towards a bastard offshoot of Feudalism, of a caste system from a bygone era.

The Left can look at the Right as greedy, oppressive, heartless takers. The Right can look at the Left as whining, freeloaded, and demanding wanters. Where has this gotten us?

Human beings share 99.4% of our genetic structure with Apes; a mere 0.6 % of our species DNA permits us to speak and think ahead, to calculate and invent, to live in houses, in an organized civil society while apes live, fuck and shit in the wilds? Okay. If that meager amount of molecular material defines the tremendous chasm between man and beast, why can’t men of differing persuasions and beliefs, ideas and ideals, incomes and opportunities, interact exercising the unique and distinct neurological capacities we have in common.

We are all the same when it comes down to physiology and the harsh truths of life and death. We all put our pants on the same. We all experience the same physical strengths, weaknesses and maladies. We have similar but relative hopes, dreams and fears. We have all been hungry: some, hungry between meals, some hungry for a meal. We all sweat: some while at work, some while at play. Why do we continue to behave as Stone Age men nearing the end of the first decade of the Third Millennium?

Our Nation and the World are riddled with challenges that will require all to find the valley between the mountains – The Middle Ground; the place of negotiation and compromise. “United We Stand, Divide We Fall” Clichés’ are cliché because they are true.

Vote.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

EVERY JOE HAS HIS DAY

OHIO PLUMBER UNCLOGS DEBATE DISCOURSESenator McCain before last night's debate with his "Game Face' on.
He was hoping to convince independent voters, particularly women.

(Oct.16, NY, NY) The final Presidential debate between John McCain (R) and Barak Obama (D) last night was dramatically different from their previous two encounters. The candidates were forced to cease spouting their usual rhetorical cliché’-laden, platitude-heavy, election season bullshit, thanks to Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher from Holland, Ohio. McCain initially introduced Joe the Plumber into the middle of this crucial debate. This particular Joe became the living, breathing representative of all middle class, small business owning, hard working, time clock punching, over taxed, underpaid, (if still employed) blue collar Americans who seek nothing more than their hard earned shot to claim a modest chunk of the American Dream. Joe the Plumber was able to accomplish a feat that no other debate moderator or television interviewer / journalist had even gotten close to – he forced the candidates to focus on real “kitchen table” issues.

The name Joe has historically been used as a prefix for a variety of terms meant to define the proverbial average, generic American. G.I. Joe, Your Average Joe, Joe Blow, Joe Lunch Pail, Joe Six Pack, and Joe Schmoe, are firmly embedded in our common lexicon. “Just some Joe” has come to imply the image of a bland, white male, Midwestern laborer of humble means, somewhat simple mind and tastes. Joe aspires only to put grub on the table for his family, keep a roof over the heads of his wife and kids, make sure they are dressed, educated and God fearing.

Joe wants his kids to go to college, to have it better than he had it growing up. He aspires to see them as doctors, lawyers, accountants, union members or supervisors in some mill, factory or industrial plant. He wants to spare them the hard-scrabble, uphill, climb he endured to reach the Nirvana-like goal of suburban middle classdom that he now finds himself precariously clinging to. He wants them to aim high while never forgetting where they came from. He knows they will come to respect his sometimes stern discipline because, as they get older, they will see the light and finally realize that Joe, their Dad, did know better and, in fact, was right about every fucking thing.

The fact that in his 30 years in Congress, John McCain has done little for the little man like Joe, did not dissuade him from invoking him now during his moment of need. McCain has done a good deal to help block Joe from getting his crack at the American Dream. McCain has been an intimate ally to big business, corporate lobbyists, high dollar special interests and his voting record reflects his disdain for the plight of the Main Street Joe.

The John McCain indicted for influence peddling during the “Keating Five” scandal did not have an epiphany thereafter. John carefully concealed his cozy relationships with the behind the scenes power brokers, fund raising millionaires repeatedly repaying them by decreasing their taxes, passing legislation favorable to the wealthiest while all the Joe’s got chocked, squeezed and generally fucked as a result. John McCain is as far removed form John Q. Public (Joe’s metaphoric Grandpa) as Joe’s wife is from McCain’s millionaire heiress spouse. Joe is about to default on his mortgage, in part, as a direct result of McCain and company’s legislative handiwork while Johnny himself doesn’t even KNOW how many house he and his wife own. Come on, John!

John seems to have discovered Joe in the waning days of his failing bid to be our President. His voting record in the Senate clearly illustrates exactly how little John has thought of Joe. McCain helped pave the way for Joe to be in the awful position he now finds himself in. Joe doesn’t have a good Joe-type job, good retirement, access to affordable quality medical care and sense of financial security. McCain has let Joe pay through the nose for gasoline, groceries and all the other items every Joe needs.

Last night the John McCain, born into a blue blooded, storied military dynasty with a silver rudder up his ass, promised – vehemently vowed – he would do all sorts of things, fight tooth and nail, shed blood sweat and tears for Joes he never gave a moments consideration to before.

If the real or a real Joe would have been sitting around the table with Johnny, Barry and Bob Scheiffer last night, he might have had a few poignant questions for his new found savior. Joe could have asked John why his son, Joe Jr., lost his legs in Iraq fighting a war of choice and why his daughter, Jolene is chronically ill because Mrs. Joe was unable to afford pre-natal medical care. John might have had to look Joe in the eye and explain what the on-going, worsening, “Wall Street Meltdown” sucked several grand from his meager 401(k) while CEO’s escaped with “golden parachutes” boldly emblazoned with the big red letters ,G O P, all over them. Joe probably could have asked John why he had not lifted a finger to do any of the things he now so urgently promises to do while serving in Congress for three decades.

Joe probably would have smacked John in the mouth.

Joe may have cast a mildly threatening glance at Barry, hitched up his well worn jeans, politely shaken hands with Ole Bob, stifled a belch, strode off the stage and returned to his reality, a nightmare that has become the harsh reality that has flourished over the past eight years.

Joe would have had to leave quickly if he were to punch in on time at his second job.

John wouldn’t have known what hit him however; soon, he will have plenty of time to figure that out.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

THE REALITY OF "NOPE"

LAST DEBATE - McCAIN'S LAST STAND

(Oct. 15, Hempstead, LI, NY) Glimpsing his immediate future 20 days away from the general election, Republican nominee, John McCain, displayed here tonight, (with stunning clarity), why he is unfit to be our next President. Displaying Profound Aggressive Senile Dementia (PASD), the Arizona Senator appeared rabid at times during his debate with the Democratic nominee, Barak Obama. He refused to answer direct questions, lied through his false teeth and overall projected the type of incoherence, lack of focus, disassociation with reality and crankiness that psychiatrists say can only be controlled by electro-convulsive therapy, water boarding and horse-killing doses of sedatives.

Dr. Sye K. Hotick, the Medical Director of the Karl Childers Memorial Nervous Hospital in McGeehee, Arkansas, was invited by the Brooding Cynyx, to attend tonight’s debate. Dr. Hotick, a world renowned expert in geriatric psychiatry and dementia, accompanied by this Cynyx, was asked to render an opinion of McCain’s mental status based on his performance tonight. “John McCain appears to be in the advanced stages of Senile Berserk Syndrome (SBS). His behavior is consistent with the symptomolgy associated with several severe emotional and psychological disorders. His inability to control his thought process, gross disassociation with reality and obvious agitation, in my opinion, present sufficient evidence that he is lacking the cognitive ability to dress himself let alone be President of the United States”.

Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager, vigorously contested Dr. Hotick’s professional assessment while answering questions after the debate in the “spin room”. “Senator McCain had a strong performance tonight. He was feisty, focused and ready to fight. He had command of the issues, stated his case to the American people forcefully and, overall, just kicked ass. Perhaps Dr. Hotick, with all due respect, was watching another debate.”

Several other McCain supporters were quick to defend their candidate. Turncoat Senator Joe Lieberman, a staunch ally of McCain’s stood on a chair and shouted at the gathered press. “There is nothing wrong with John McCain. He is the man for this job. The insinuation that he is somehow mentally deranged is absurd. As I Jew, I am familiar with derangement. I come from a long line of deranged Orthodox Jews and, believe me my friends; John is most certainly not deranged”. Lieberman fell off the chair and began to weep bitterly. He was quickly escorted out of the room by other campaign staffers and transported to Nassau County Hospital for observation.

The Obama campaign was very cautious in their comments about the debate and, particularly careful when questioned about McCain’s performance. David Axlerod, Obama’s chief strategist commented, “We all have the greatest respect for John McCain, his long service to this country and his passion for the issues. Sadly, the American people do not share his passion for the issues he is passionate about. Ironically, Senator McCain has voted against stem cell research. As the medical community has long recognized, the most promising treatments for SBS, Chronic Befuddlement, and Miasmic Aggressive Disorder (MAD) are all being developed as a direct result of stem cell research. After this election is over, we all hope and pray that John McCain receives the mental health care he so desperately needs.”

As for McCain’s Democratic opponent, Illinois Senator Obama, his debate performance was a stark contrast to McCain’s. Speaking briefly to reporters as he left the arena, Obama commented, “John is a warrior. He thinks like a warrior, acts like a warrior, eats, smells, farts and drinks like a warrior. He is a fine man who is walking a fine line between normal senility and true psychosis. It has been my honor and privilege to debate him.”

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

McCAIN’S SCATTERSHOT APPROACH

DESPERATE; JOHN PRESENTS “STRATEDGY OF THE DAY”
Round & Round He Goes
Where He’ll Stop – Nobody Knows

(Oct. 15, Hempstead, LI, NY) Tonight the third and final of the Presidential debates between Barak Obama and John McCain will take place here on the campus of Hofstra University. Among the many unknowns at this time is: which John McCain will take the stage at 9:00 EST? The past two weeks have witnessed Republican Senator McCain and his campaign, in a state of free fall. Erratic, inconsistent, chaotic and, at times, overtly offensive comments, statements and allegations are tossed out by McCain, his running mate, Sarah Palin, as well as his operatives daily. Often the candidate himself issues statements that are contradictory. He is his own worst enemy with Palin a close second. The desperation these ‘campaign as game of chance’ tactics reflect is profound as Johnny senses his ambitions to be US President are evaporating. He will have the rest of his life to mull over the gross mistakes he has made, the fact that his reputation is in tatters, and that his last hoorah was not an “honest”, “open”, “issues-oriented campaign” in any way, shape or form. The methods he has utilized to obtain his Oval Office means have been despicable, insulting to the public and rabid. He has embraced the very same tactics he once was victimized by and had resoundingly condemned. His “Straight Talk Express” has propelled him from respected, outwardly appearing independent Senator, head first into the deep, dank, sordid canyon inhabited by other lying, pandering, disingenuous, flip-flopping, mudslinging, win-at-all-costs politicians who had made similar deals with the devil.

There is no irony here. McCain, in his obscenely transparent efforts to gain the support of the “hard core, right wing” Republicans, the segment of the GOP that has long been distrustful, if not disdainful of him, crapped all over himself, his alleged ‘principals’ while clearly demonstrating to the American populace he is absolutely devoid of the temperament and judgment to be our next President. So closely aligned has McCain been with the most inept President in our country’s history, Baby Bush, that McCain’s flame out has the potential to take a good chunk of Republican seats in Congress into the abyss with him.

It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. It couldn’t happen for better reasons.

The real John McCain has never been the one the public at large had come to know. His biography, so carefully, tediously constructed has been exposed not only as a collection of extrapolations, falsehoods and nepotism, his past illustrates his blatant lust for power, his all consuming self-centeredness, and his callous disregard for anything that could even be loosely construed at moral, character or principal. He is a calculating, manipulative political hack that has never looked back to survey the wreckage he has left in his wake on his accession to the lofty perch he currently clings to. Soon, that too, will be just another memory John can do battle with on sleepless nights that are definitely in his future.

His entire military and political career was the product of his shameless exploitation of his impressive lineage, family ties, connections and arm-twisting influence of those whose asses he so gladly and sloppily, kissed along the way. His infamous membership in the criminal “Keating Five” was his political Rubicon, his spiritual awakening. From narrowly escaping a career ending verdict he began the painstaking transformation form who he really is into who has convinced the American people he is until he became his Party’s Presidential nominee this past August. The real, genuine John McCain has finally been revealed to the electorate and, hopefully, by their actions, the verdict he escaped in the Keating scandal, will be loudly proclaimed as the votes are counted.

Johnny boy, perhaps you should have retired after your 2000 loss to W, or at least liberated yourself from your addict-like quest for the highest office in the land.
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The questions his last debate performance raised repeatedly are “How” and “Why”.

McCain has been a master in the high art of avoiding, evading and simply not answering direct questions. He has chosen instead to respond with smooth, political cliché’ heavy, shallow, empty, doubletalk, spackled over with platitudes, plasters and blather. Even white-washed horse shit is still horse shit to its core. Tom Brokaw, the moderator of the second debate, never asked the primary follow up’s as John repeatedly spouted his usually tripe, followed by his forced, somewhat imbecilic smile that makes one wonder if he has a dry volt battery attached to his testicles.

McCain’s answers, “My friends”, often conclude with his firm and sickeningly familiar end-all, signature line, “…and I know how to do it.” He boldly states “I know how to capture Bin Laden”, “I know how to get this economy moving again”, “I know how to change Washington, to get rid of pork barrel wasteful spending, to get rid of the lobbyists and special interests, create jobs, help the middle class, provide affordable healthcare for everyone, make college less expensive” and on and on. The natural follow up should be, “How John, how?” Please tell us John, how you are going to do all these things? Why won’t you provide the voting public with specific, detailed, reasonable plans that you propose? Tell us exactly what you WILL do.

The next natural follow up to his crap is “Why? Why John, after almost three decades in Congress have you not DONE any of these things?” If you “know how to capture or kill Bin Laden”, why have you not told anyone else over the last seven years? If you “know how to make America energy independent” or “create good, middle class jobs in manufacturing”, why have you not done so or, at least, made a tangible effort to? Are these not legitimate questions for a seasoned, 72 year old Senator, aspiring to face the enormity of the challenges our next President will confront?
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No one among us can help but to have the utmost respect for the John McCain who endured five years of captivity as a POW in Viet Nam. The young Navy flyer suffered years of isolation and torture in the Hanoi Hilton demonstrating strength of mind and body that few among us have ever had to find.

That episode is but one, albeit brief but brutal, in the long and winding biography of the former “Maverick” who has sadly stayed in the arena a bit too long. Consequently, his public life will end and this, his final pursuit, will forever be remembered as a sleazy, no class, race and class baiting, travelling shit storm of a Presidential campaign.

Perhaps as he rocks in a chair in one of his nine palatial homes he will have to answer to himself, “Why John, why? How, John, how?”


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