Airborne swine signal Bush admits having regrets.
(Dec. 2, Andrews AFB, MD) Federal, state and local authorities in the Washington DC metropolitan area were overwhelmed last night by phone reports of multiple UFO’s seen above or near the White House. As military, intelligence and law enforcement agencies hurried to react to the reports, a fighter squadron from Langley Air Force Base scrambled in response. The Secret Service attempted to wake President George W. Bush but were unable to rouse him. All other White House personnel present at that time were evacuated.
Fearing a terrorist attack, all branches of the military and federal government activated their Emergency Action Plans (EAP) developed in the wake of September 11, 2001. The airspace over the entire eastern seaboard was cleared and restricted to all commercial and private traffic until the crisis was declared officially over by the FBI, DOD and Secret Service at 2:18 AM EST.
The Air Force spokesman, Lt. Col. Proctor A. Gamble gave a brief statement at a hastily called press conference at the Pentagon. Gamble read from prepared remarks, “ At 2:01 AM Eastern Standard Time pilots from the 316th Fighter Wing based in Langley, Virginia reported that the unidentified flying objects reported to be observed in the airspace above and around the White House were not hostile aircraft. They were positively identified as a squadron of non-hostile flying pigs. The pigs were all escorted to the ground by the several aircraft from the 316th and all pigs landed safely. They were immediately arrested and placed under guard at an undisclosed location. In accordance with all provisions of the Geneva Conventions, the flying pigs were feed, watered and were last reported to be happily wallowing in slop. The President was at no time throughout the night in any danger. I repeat, the President was never in danger at any time.”
Within hours of their capture the pigs were subject to rigorous questioning from a team of swine experts from Iowa State University Department of Swine, Pig and Hog Studies. The interrogations were lead by Dr. Cletus T. Flattus, Director of Pork Psychiatry at ISU. Dr. Flattus informed reporters that, “The pigs meant no harm. Actually, they were not even sure where they came from or how they were able to fly. One of them, Buster, told me that he thought he and his fellow pigs were able to fly as a result of George W. Bush having admitted to having “regrets”. Buster, between grunts and gulps of a manure and corn mixture, speculated that ‘hell is probably freezing over too’.”
Other experts on pig aviation and the laws of improbability seemed to agree with Buster the hog. Dr. Clark Happ also from ISU noted, “It has long been folklore and rumor that pigs could and would fly if and when the impossible or highly unlikely were to occur. We always knew this to be true but have had little to no physical evidence up to this point. Apparently having President George W. Bush actually publically admitting he has regrets about the war in Iraq and other matters were sufficiently improbable and sent these pigs into flight.”
Throughout the night sightings of flying pigs were reported throughout North America. Most of these sightings were easily dismissed by the authorities receiving the reports. Captain Horvath “Hank” Pustule from NORAD in Omaha, Nebraska said, “I thought most of the calls received here at NORAD were pranks or just your average, run of the mill drunken idiots bothering us. However, one of the airmen stationed here on the base visually confirmed the presence of several flying pigs approaching in a low altitude formation. They flew over the base causing no harm other than dumping several tons of pig shit all over our tarmacs. We are waiting for FEMA and the EPA to help come and clean it up.”
White House spokesperson Dana Perino told the press that “The President was briefed this morning about the flying pig incident during his daily intelligence briefing. He laughed and asked why no one woke him up so he could have seen them for himself. He expressed a deep fondness for pigs and hog and was especially grateful to them all for bacon. The President says he feels pork is what makes our country great and was also proud of the military pilots that escorted the squadron of pigs to safety.”
At this time we are awaiting additional information from the agencies investigating this flight of the pigs.
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