Suspect in Countrywide Crime Spree
Joe the Fugitive
(Nov.12, Peru, IL) The unemployed, unlicensed Ohio plumber who gained international notoriety during the recent Presidential campaign has been sighted in various locations across the country since his brazen assault on an Obama look-a-like on November 2nd. After eluding numerous Secret Service agents as well as other law enforcement officers, the man known to the world as Joe the Plumber has been on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. He is second on that infamous list behind Osama bin Laden.
Presently the most extensive manhunt in recent history is underway led by the FBI and Federal Marshall’s Service. FBI Special Agent in Charge, Kurt Mahnhole commented, “There have been literally hundreds of alleged sighting of Wurzelbacher all over the country. We have some solid leads that we are pursuing but it looks like it may be a protracted hunt. We have reasons to believe that Joe is being aided by help from citizens. The public needs to be aware that he is a fugitive facing numerous federal, state and local charges. He is not a nice guy. Anyone helping him will be charged with aiding and abetting as well as obstruction of justice. This is no joke. This plumber is an out of control lunatic that needs to be captured or killed before he hurts anyone else.”
The latest reported sighting of Joe the Plumber was in Boise, Idaho. Clark Burlap, a local manure farmer, told Boise police that he saw the fugitive late Sunday night. “I was in the Deli Mart buying a 12 pack of Old Style Lite and some chewing tobacco and I saw this tall bald guy over by the beef jerky. He looked kinda’ suspicious and sorta’ familiar. Suddenly, I realized it was that insane plumber guy that ran for president. I went over to shake his hand but, as I approached him, he tossed a box of Slim Jims at me. They hit me in the face. He ran out the door without paying for the stuff he had in his hands. Looked to me he got away with about 6 dollars worth of jerky and a few Snickers. I’m sure glad he didn’t win the election although I thought that gal from Alaska he was runnin’ with was pretty hot.”
Reports of Joe sightings have come in from locations as distant as Opelika, Florida; Paducah, Kentucky; Bayonne, New Jersey; Holly Pond, Alabama, and a host of cities and towns in between. One unemployed Baltimore man, who identified himself only as Buck, called the FBI hotline and told the agent, “I just seen Joe the Plumber coming out of a tavern. He looked drunk. I knew it was him even though he was wearing a disguise. He had an afro wig on his head, was wearing a Boston Celtics jacket and shorts. He was also carrying a tennis racket. Last I saw him he was getting on a bus.”
Law enforcement officials swarmed on the bar, Slappy’s, on Canal Street in Baltimore just minutes after receiving the call from Buck. Slappy’s owner, Sylvester “Slappy” Papaslapodous told the officers that “This tall guy comes in here and orders a shot and a beer. He puts a twenty on the bar. I knows he ain’t from around here because I don’t get many drinkers in here that ain’t from around here. Know what I mean? Anyways, he keeps ordering shots of Crown Royal and drinkin’ beer and was getting’ pretty tanked. He started botherin’ the other guys. Hey, they are my regulars, know what I mean, so I tells him to back the fuck off them and shut his goddamned mouth. He asked me to change the channel on the TV. We was watchin’ wrestling and he wanted us to put on Fox News. That was when I threw him out.”
Federal Marshall Troy S. Burning held a brief press conference earlier today from one of the field headquarters for the manhunt. Speaking to a large contingent from the media, Marshall Burning said, “We know he is wearing disguises. We know he is robbing convenience stores, tattoo parlors, hair & nail salons, truck stops and bingo games. His image has been captured on several surveillance cameras in various locations. We have photos which we will release to the press with this mope, Wurzelbacher, wearing different disguises. We have seen him dressed in up as a banker, a Scottish bagpiper, a village idiot and a Hassidic Jew. This is one clever fugitive although we know his IQ is 53. He is essentially a moron but instinctively bright about being on the run. He has stolen numerous vehicles, hijacked a plane from Bismarck to Miami and stowed away on a barge of soybeans from Iowa to New Orleans. We fear he might try to disrupt the Presidential Inauguration but, we are also confident we will have caught or killed him by January 20, 2009. We would appreciate all of you in the media working with us and not against us. Thank you.”
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