Attacks Obama Look-a-Like At Obama Rally
Ohio plumber seen choking Obama supporter.
(Nov. 2, Cleveland, OH) Just weeks after skyrocketing to international fame Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumber made famous in the last presidential debate by John McCain, can now add “wanted man” to his many talents. Earlier today during an Obama campaign rally here, the bullet headed unlicensed plumber attacked a man who he initially mistake for Barak Obama himself. According to eye witnesses, Secret Service, Cleveland PD and Ohio State Police reports, the vicious attack took place in a men’s room near the rally site. The victim of the assault identified as Michael T. Barnes, 42 years of age, a cardiac surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic, is currently being treated at an undisclosed hospital. Special Agent Lawrence Sludgeham from the Columbus FBI Office told reporters that “Dr. Barnes received some trauma to his throat and neck regions, several contusions on the back of his head, testicular trauma due to a knee to the groin as well as significant acute emotional distress resulting from the suddenness and brutality of attack.”
According to other men present in the lavatory where the attack occurred, Dr. Barnes was washing his hands at the sink when a “loud, bald, drunk guy” came barging in to the restroom. “This man looked deranged, he looked downright dangerous. He was muttering under his breath about black people, black presidents, Black Velvet, black cats, black lung, black forest cake and, I think, the Black Eyed Peas”, said Ralph Grzenovich from Sandusky. He continued, “The bald drunk suddenly began screaming. He was urinating on the floor. As Dr. Barnes tried to sidestep around him to exit, baldy grabbed him and threw him against the wall. He then shoved his forearm into Barnes’ neck and shouted about the redistribution of wealth, loosing his plumber license, being rebuffed by Sarah Palin and his desire to lick Cindy McCain’s feet. He was really going wild, foaming at the mouth and sweating. I thought he was going to kill that poor guy.”
As other frightened men fled the confrontation in the crapper, Cleveland police officer Stanley Brewshinko ran towards the restroom at the direction of the fleeing, peeing men. “As soon as I opened the door to the men’s room it was like I was hit by a truck. This terribly drunken man just blasted me in the face, pushed me to the ground and kept going. I fired several shots but, apparently, they all missed.”
Other witnesses, who wished to remain anonymous because they “feared” for their safety, said that Joe fled the scene running past and knocking down several police officers and plains clothed agents who tried to tackle him. He was last scene hijacking a Mr. Softee truck and remains at large. His spokesman, Hank Flattus said that Wurzelbacher seemed to be under a great deal of stress since being thrust into the spotlight. “Joe never thought he’d be world famous. Yous gotta remember, just a month or so ago, he was just a low life, dead beat, unemployed plumber who drank himself into a stupor every night. He liked to fish and hunt. He really enjoyed strip clubs and bar fighting. He was just…well…ya know, your ‘Average Joe’. He was especially pissed off last night due to some problems with his country music career. Apparently Joe had contacted Willie Nelson to see if he would be willing to do a remake of his famous song ‘Luchenbach, Texas.’ Joe loves Willie and thought they could cut an album together. Joe said Willie told him to fuck off and never contact him again. Joe slammed the phone down and really just freaked out. He destroyed everything in his house and then went out bowling.”
The Secret Service and other federal, state and local law enforcement authorities have issued a warrant for Wurzelbacher’s arrest. “We remain confident we can collar this mutt before he does bodily harm to any other innocent people particularly, anyone who looks remotely like Barak Obama. We have all his favorite haunts staked out and orders have been given to ‘shoot on sight’. We can’t take any chances with this psycho”, Captain Floyd Flange of the Ohio State Police commented.
For his part, Senator Obama did not learn of the event until he concluded his rally and was being escorted to his next campaign stop. Obama told reporters travelling with him that “The seeds of hatred have been sown by John McCain and Sarah Palin. This is not the kind of politics we need at this time. I knew that Joe the Plumber was a loony when I first met him. Frankly, I sensed he was profoundly disturbed. It seems that John McCain has pushed him over the edge. The fact that he attacked an African American man he mistook for me is a bad sign for the future. If I am elected, and he is captured, I will seek the death penalty.”
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