(July 25, Aspen, CO) By any objective standards, presumptive GOP presidential candidate, Arizona Senator, John McCain had an abysmal week on the campaign trail. While he toured a Pennsylvania grocery store, swapped tales of urinary incontinence stories with 84 year old former President George H. W. Bush in Maine and ate bratwurst with some of the powerhouse business magnates in Columbus, Ohio, his democratic opponent, Barak Obama was on a whirlwind tour from Southeast Asia to London. The contrasting images alone were enough to make even the staunchest of McCain’s supporters and friends cringe.
In between his stops in out of the way parts of the country, he also managed to get caught up in a rewrite of recent history while being interviewed by Katie Courac of CBS News. “He’s starting to make Bob Dole look like a genius”, commented one GOP political operative. According to several of his closest, most trusted advisors, McCain has considered having his wife appear topless at all future campaign events. Mrs. McCain’s thoughts about this remain unknown.
This afternoon in Aspen, Colorado, the bumbling candidate is meeting with the Dalai Lama. McCain has called him “a transcendent national role model.” The simple fact of this incongruous event and location is disturbing in its own odd way, a way that seems to have come to define his dissembling campaign.
While traveling earlier today to Aspen, McCain with a fully clothed Mrs. McCain at his side met with the 3 reporters that cover him. The 71 year old senator did not look well. When asked about his health he smiled, stifled a belch and said that “Some bratwurst gives me gas. Also, my friends, I had several large bowls of sauerkraut soup, some schnitzel and forgot to take my Milk of Magnesia.” He then smiled and began taking more questions from the one reporter who remained sober on the flight.
McCain seemed to bristle when Senator Obama’s trip was mentioned and became visibly agitated for a brief moment before regaining his composure. His wife, Cindy, gave him a sedative and laxative cocktail and McCain rapidly appeared more focused. “Listen, my friends, I know what the transcendent mission of our time is and it has nothing to do with giving speeches in Germany. I’ve been to Germany. I have toured the world many times my friends and I know the world. From Czechoslovakia to Upper Volta, Corpus Christi and Burma, I have met with people, dealt with world leaders and have the experience, judgment and know-how about virtually every issue that means anything to anyone, anywhere, my friends. I helped knock down the Berlin Wall. I’ve held Yugoslavia together for many years and now, today, I will meet with a great spiritual leader. Dolly Parton is important to the people of Tibet and others too. I have always admired Dalai Lama and to meet with him will be an honor. I think Dooly Madison and I will have a very productive meeting as long as they don’t serve any damned bratwurst.”
The addled McCain then excused himself saying if he did not reach the toilet very quickly every one on that plane will have “a very bad trip, my friends. If I’m not back in an hour, send someone to get me and remind me which Dalai, Dolly or Dildo I’m supposed to meet in Aspen.”
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