Secret Service & Capitol Police Add “Ball Squads”
(July 11, Washington, DC) Just days after the public airing of Jesse Jackson’s desire to “cut” Barak Obama’s “nuts off”, dozens of male congressmen, senators and other political staffers have reportedly received threats to have their nuts cuts off. The Secret Service and Capitol Police have seen such a startling upsurge in threats against politicians that they have added additional units of agents and officers they have dubbed “Ball Squads”. “We cannot have all the men in Congress fearful of having their balls cut off or otherwise violently removed”, said Captain Otis Pitts of the Capitol Hill Police.
Some of the Congressmen, aside from upgrading their personal protective details have taken to wearing specially designed devices to protect their testicles. The John Bobbet Family Jewel Protector, manufactured and marketed by a small company in Kentucky, has received an unprecedented number of orders for the device. “What we make here is more or less a glorified jock strap”, commented Merle Venables, CEO of Bobbet Manufacturing. He added “What we basically do is take your standard all purpose protective cup and jock strap overlay several layers of Kevlar on it and reinforce it with a steel plate. Son, our device will protect your unit from a direct hit from a shoulder fired missile. Ain’t none of our customers getting’ castrated or such. You can bet your bal…ah, ass on that!”
As several pallet loads of these devices were being delivered to the Capitol’s service entrance by an anonymous UPS driver, he commented “Hey, tell you the truth, I never knew any of these guys had balls.”
The Congressmen who have received or order a protective device of their own is a closely guarded secret. Mr. Venables said he had to sign a federal confidentiality agreement and, if he were to violate it, he could loose his own balls. Venables, proudly displaying his own protective device under his blue jeans said he could not even reveal the number of devices that were being shipped to Washington. “All I can say is that far as I know, ain’t none being delivered to the White House.”
Agent Gordon I. Knott of the Secret Service said that not all of the recent rash of threats were directed at male members of Congress, not all threatened castration and that several female members were threatened with other “forms of bodily harm, mutilation, violation, desecration and emasculation.” Inside sources have revealed that NY Senator Chuck Schumer received a threatening call to have a “pipe shoved up yur ass.” Senator Bond of Missouri, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Dick Durbin of Illinois have all been threatened “to be beaten to a pulp, spit on and then beaten some more.” Agent Knott commented, “This is a disturbing trend. We have to get and stay on top of this series of threats until the threat level drops to a level less threatening. Then, we can investigate. I am deeply troubled by all of this especially since my vacation was scheduled to begin tomorrow.”
Addressing the threats against female members of Congress, Special Agent Emelia Dike stated, “Some of the lady members of both the House and Senate have received threats. Some involved beatings, slapping, ass-biting, ear-biting, assorted kicks, punches, some hair pulling, eye gouging and one threat of genital mutilation. We are doing everything in our power to protect these women and I am personally over seeing the direct security of several of them. As long as this Dike is on the job, no one will get at these women except me.”
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