A BUCKET OF GRAY

“IS THIS PURGATORY? NO, IT’S IOWA”

Belching Flatts, IA (Dec 22, 2007. TBC) Unholy alliances run deep here in the “Purgatory on the Plains”. As the slew of wannabe presidential candidates have courted, fed, bribed, paid and otherwise blown the rotund, moronic, self important voters of this god awful state for the last 12 months, the media and pundits alike have documented, commented and attempted to divine truths from a sea of polling numbers. What a colossal waste of time, effort, energy and dignity.

Iowa, at it’s absolute best, is a desolate, unremarkable place. Now, this monochromatic wasteland, shrouded in a fog thicker than creamed corn, has become the de facto center of the political universe. Is there no end to the ironies that define us as a people, a society, culture and political system?

For a brief shining moment every four years the land of cows and corn becomes the epicenter of American presidential politics and, sadly, the rest of the country buys into this charade. Iowa. The word conjures in most urban Americans, the images of sweet bucolic life; fine, sturdy and sure ‘American’ values, salt-of-the-earth hard working farmers in the heartland providing food for the masses by their toils. The fact of the matter is, this sentiment is among the most enduring bullshit myths in the country. Iowa farmers and their brethren in other corn belt states are so heavily subsidized and supported by the taxpaying public that the welfare queens of the late 1980’s look like hard working citizens in comparison. But, all this is besides the point. This is just a minor detour into the particulars of this odd place.

Okay. Let’s see. Huckleberry Huckabee, the Baptist preacher is giving ole’ Mormon Mitt Romney apoplexy. Hillary , ‘my-husband-was-president’ Clinton is in a death match with wet behind the ears Barak Obama. John Edwards will probably get at least 8 votes on Caucus night while Bill Richardson and the rest of that motley crew should vacate the state ASAP. John McCain and Fred Thompson are too busy buying Ex-Lax and DePends to be a real threat. What does it all mean? Nada. Zilch. Zip. Absolutely nothing. The day after the Caucus, the candidates and press will leave. The operatives and operators, the hangers-on, the technical people, producers and support staff will flee from this place as fast as their frozen feet will carry them. And Iowa will remain. It will finally, thankfully fade from the public spotlight and return to its normal, mundane rhythms.

Iowa does something to people. It has an affect that only the natives have immunity to. Candidates and visitors alike suffer from the dismal soul leaching blandness of this place and it is remarkable that these imbeciles actually think they play a vital role in our political process. Let them think that. That somehow balances out the rest of the country’s misconceptions about Iowa.

Christmas lights twinkle in the dense fog that hangs as close to the ground as a politicians hangs to blather. Even the most buoyantly optimistic would consider the most effective method of suicide if they had to endure any time in Iowa. The candidates deserve this. They deserve to have to come here and suck up to these greedy, self righteous, simpletons.

Just two weeks left until the Caucuses. Someone will win on each side. The rest will loose. However, they have all paid a terrible price for their corrupt courtship of this dimwitted populace.

Better book a room at the Motel 7 in Des Moines...2012 is just around the bend.

Cletus E. Yoder for TBC

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